Kimmy Walters my life with so-and-so so-and so translates my diary into french on a lark. so-and-so shaves my head and doesn’t comment on the scar. so-and-so absolves me of my sins. so-and-so refuses to kiss me. so-and-so kisses me until my face bleeds. so-and-so asks if I’m drunk enough and I remind him that I’m carrying half a cake around in my bare hands. so-and-so halfheartedly tries to kill me underneath an oak tree. so-and-so explains how trebuchets work and is startled when I begin crying. so-and-so demonstrates how thick gin looks during the pour and is startled when I begin crying. so-and-so pledges to maintain a spreadsheet devoted to my emotional reactions and their causes. so-and-so makes a list of weird things she buried as a child. so-and-so quotes lolita while we’re in the shower together. so-and-so drunkenly whispers his social security number into my ear for no apparent reason. so-and-so survives a natural disaster. so-and-so survives a seizure. brain cancer. the flu. so-and-so searches for a condom beneath a swinging lightbulb. so-and-so teaches me how to use a slow cooker in the kitchen of a frat house. so-and-so accidentally drops her passport into the pacific ocean. so-and-so tears up during the in-flight movie. so-and-so confesses that he can’t grow hair on his arms. so-and-so gives birth to twins. so-and-so sees a dead body floating in lake michigan and calls me immediately. so-and-so describes what she is wearing. so-and-so insists that I stop washing my hair so it’s easier to braid. so-and-so looks into the mirror I’m holding and appears to notice he is blonde for the first time. so-and-so writes “plan b” on the memo line of the check. so-and-so throws a dart at my class picture and hits me right in the nose. so-and-so walks into a meadow. a different meadow. a different meadow.