Hera Lindsay Bird

SPEECH TIME


"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."
Thatís how Abraham Lincoln started the Gettysburg address..........and he got murdered in a theatre............
That is also how I have started my speech but I will not be murdered in a theatre
When I die it will be an old time injury like... falling into a threshing machine

I am always making speeches, but speeches are a waste of time
The only useful speech is one where you enumerate someoneís many failures until they finally burst into tears
But if anyone is bursting into tears today....... it will be me
I just want to lie naked on a deckchair fanning myself with divorce papers

I have called this speech Ďspeech timeí so you will know that it is time for speeches.
Anything can be a speech if you say it out loud for long enough
This is not ďfreedom of speechĒ this is just extreme oratorical leeway
It's hot piss melting the toilet ice

Speeches exist for the purpose of making other people think what you think
But I donít want just anyone to be able to think what I think
Itís like............. if paisley were a natural resource, and people had to mine for it
You have to be dumb enough to want to

I have been making a lot of speeches recently because I published a book
And more than a book people want to hear me talk about my book
People donít like books they like speeches
.....................................but not this speech........

The only reason for poetry is to have a meadow in which to burn yourself alive in
A picturesque meadow.............. with bonus violets

I am bored of making speeches
I have to say so many things I do not care about
It reminds me of life
It reminds me of when you are a cowboy and your hat gets too heavy

There is nothing in this world really worth saying
Being clever is a waste of time
I just want to sit around in Swarovski earrings and let old men debate my literary merits
.................................................but I donít even have my ears pierced

A speech is the opposite of a poem
A speech is telling people what to think, but I donít know what should be thought
Sometimes it seems to me like other people arenít even trying to tell the truth
When I watch porn I like it to be the old fashioned kind when you canít see the dick go in

Forget this speech, Iím changing the title
The new title of this speech is Ďpoem timeí because this is poem time not speech time
Itís like .......when itís your first day as a soldier & you show up to the wrong war
Or sexily cleaning the coliseum with a black feather duster

Itís like panicking because your castle is too beautiful
Or an advent calendar for atheists full of empty windows
Itís like pouring cold champagne all over your thighs
Or an evil piano that can only be played at midnight

A poem should never be a tourniquet
You have to let the blood go where it wants
Itís like trying to log into your email account but your password makes you too sad
Itís like Shakespeare...................................... etc

I love writing poetry because it gives me casket pleasure
I can feel my death somewhere far off
Itís like doing a shot of semen after sex and calling it a chaser
Or when youíre a ghost & can feel the wind blow in through your sheet-holes

Poetry is like getting to grips with the nuances of prison finance
Or a petticoat you wear just for fighting
Itís like hanging out the castle sheets on the castle washing-line
Or yelling at the sunset to stop and give you twenty

Poetry is like a tuxedo that zips off at the knee
It is my pet boredom......
You sit in your room for too long with the rain coming down
And you start to wonder about your life

Poetry is like pushing a pram through the dawn
But the pram is on fire, because the fire is your baby
Itís like having an orgasm every time you hear middle C on a piano
............................Debussy is just elaborate foreplay to you

Itís like upgrading your horse drawn carriage to a better, more technologically advanced horse drawn carriage
Or squeezing your mop into a tropical fish-tank
Itís like being the Monet of blow jobs............................and losing your boyfriend to the Tolouse-Latrec of blow-jobs.......................
Itís a bedside draw packed with snow

Poetry is a luxury behaviour
Like crying because youíre too clever and nobody understands you
Itís like accidentally cutting your hand at a party and referring to your blood as Ďparty bloodí
Itís like: welcome to good behaviour town, population 0




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